WotWentWrong

“Do I Look Fat in This?”

Now that’s a question that irked my friend, Adam; a question that was posed by his girlfriend, Jill.  Jill is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and Adam adores her.  But Jill is convinced she looks terrible on a regular basis.

Jill’s routine goes as follows:

• Jill gets dolled up for a night out, with flawless makeup, curly hair, and a dress that would make Carrie Bradshaw proud.
• Jill looks at Adam and says, “Do I look fat in this? My thighs/butt/stomach is/are huge!”
• Adam shakes his head and tells her she looks beautiful.
• Jill changes anyway and spends the rest of the night talking about how she needs to lose weight or change something about her looks.

The thing is, Adam is perfectly cool with her body, and in fact, thinks she always looks great.

Contrary to popular belief, “Do I look fat in this?” is not the phrase men loathe to hear.  The answer to that one isn’t as complicated as a mediocre sitcom makes it out to be: “You look good” will suffice, or even a “It looks fine, but I love you in this other outfit.”
Or, as Ross says in this “Friends” episode: “You don’t look. You just say ‘No.’”

http://youtu.be/emHSO5dr6dk

No, the real thing that drives men up the relationship wall isn’t the question. It’s the implication.  What really gets under Adam’s skin is spending so much time trying to convince someone they look fine only to have them dismiss it.

When a man hears “Do I look fat in this?” again and again, he’s really hearing a woman who doesn’t believe him when he says she’s beautiful.

A lack of self-confidence is a kind of hidden killer of relationships, because it’s not as obvious as being terrible in bed, a lack of chemistry or relationship baggage from an ex.  It simmers like a stew – a stew that tastes great but thinks it tastes bland.  It’s one thing to casually ask how you look. It’s another to not take a guy at his word and make him be your own personal pep squad.

Adam told me he always felt like he was dealing with her confidence issues and never about anything he was worried about.  Eventually, he decided he didn’t want to spend his nights telling someone something they’d never accept.  Have you ever been the one who felt like you weren’t hot enough for your partner, and needed them to support you? Did you ever get to the point where you believed them?  Or were you on the other end, and got tired of validating all the time?

Carrie was smitten.  Ever since she clapped eyes on Cory, she felt her stomach churn into a fluttering butterfly zoo.  She had never felt such instant attraction.  The bassist in a band, Cory was a touring free spirit. He emanated fun, youth and excitement.  And to further amp up the electricity, the sexual chem was clearly a two sided current. However, they had two very different styles of relating to the opposite sex. Cory lived in the moment. The concept of tomorrow never really occurred to him. Carrie on the other hand, though attracted to his libertarian ways, wanted the security of a relationship. But she knew an outright declaration of this would scare him away.

She decided to orchestrate a sleight of hand.  She decided that if she could go along with the casual for long enough, sleep with him, they would naturally bond, and he would arrive at the realisation that she was the one for him.  Each morning, after tossing her hair nonchalantly into a ponytail and strolling airily out of his apartment, Carrie edged nearer to   the realisation that her plan wasn’t really working. From his end there had been no, “do you have to leave?”, “stay for breakfast” or “so, what shall we do for Valentine’s Day?” Eventually, the situation started to chip away at her ego, her insecurities snowballed and she decided to abandon her reverse psychology stance and ask, “where is this going?” She was met with a stunned silence, followed by a “I thought we were cool as we were? I’m not really looking for a girlfriend.”

Carrie felt cheated. She had put her own needs onto the back burner, compromised her comfort levels, and this was all she got in return. After a few rounds of punching her pillow, and three or four viewings of John Tucker Must Die, Carrie had to admit to herself that her rage at him was actually rage at herself.  She had operated from a hidden agenda, and rather than make her needs clear, she had catered to his needs in the hope that he would, in turn, fulfil hers. A bargain he had no part in negotiating.

Do we shy away from declaring our desire for a potential relationship because we fear being rejected for it? Are we afraid to let go of crumbs because we know deep down there was never a loaf to be had? Or is it the fear that if we state our needs clearly, we’ll be left with only men that actually want a relationship, which means the even scarier possibility of actually having one?

Caitlin was mortified.  The reason?  The guy she had been seeing for the past few months had tarred her with the one of dating’s more humiliating brushes. She had been tarred as needy.  Over breakfast, we all bit on our fists as we prepared ourselves for the embarrassing story to unfold.  Preparing for a tale of Fatal Attraction proportions, we all feared the worst.  What came was slightly anti climactic.  “I asked him if he was still seeing other women”.  Oh. “He told me to stop being so needy”.  Hmm. “I think I blew it”.  Right. Was it my imagination or was Caitlin’s question to her beau residing in the field of …. perfectly rational?

Neediness, in both men and women, as a characteristic, is a well known source of ridicule, embarrassment and fear:

Feeling like you have to constantly be there to prop someone else’s ego up is draining at the best of times, and we have all borne witness to incidents of partners carpet bombing their wearier halves with texts, emails, phone calls, pigeons and every other form of communication at one’s disposal.  But is asking whether a relationship is exclusive or not a needy crime?  Is asking whether someone is looking for a potential relationship a needy crime? Is expecting someone to be interested in the potential of a relationship before you sleep with them a needy crime?  More than once I’ve heard people use the phrase, “Don’t worry.  I’m not expecting a relationship” as if to ease the other person’s mind, or to appear uber cool, and low maintenance. I’ve felt that pressure myself, and realised that not honouring my needs, even if they’re at odds with the other person’s, has never led to anything other than heartache.

My cousin Martin threw another perspective into the mix.  He announced that if he felt his wife Sue didn’t need him, the relationship would fall apart. Even in such simple terms as fixing a fence, or massaging her stresses away, all these things made Martin feel needed, and like The Don in his world.

It could be that we have an overactive pride-o-meter, but being branded ‘needy’ can produce heart palpitations of shame. And both sides of the gender fence can attest to the fact that feeling responsible for someone else’s self esteem can turn the attraction stakes to Power Level 0. However, is the word needy too often used to fend off the fact that sometimes men and women have perfectly reasonable, perfectly understandable, and perfectly natural needs?

Theresa was drowning in regret. The man who invaded her dreams, the man who had induced in her multiple inner swoons as soon as she clapped eyes on him, the man unlike any other male creature walking the Earth had turned out to be a sleazy, non calling the next day player.  Ouch. Double ouch when she realised she was one of many ‘victims’, and he had in fact seduced two of our other friends the same week.  Triple ouch that she had tried to send a friendly text only to be greeted with stone walled silence, and quadruple ouch when she came to hear how his friends had been treated to every single detail. “I wish I could turn back the clocks” she lamented. “I’m just a number”. As I considered and related to her cringe factor, it got me thinking, there wasn’t one of our group of friends who hadn’t, at some point, suffered at the hands of a creep ridden player.  However, were any of us ‘victims’? I looked around the room, and thought, despite the occasional bout of misjudged idiocy, we were a pretty rock solid bunch.

Recently airing was web based comedy “Dating Rules From My Future Self”, which features a girl who receives advice from the future, via text, to stop her from making mistakes in her love life.

It got me thinking, would I rather cringe about something I had done, or regret something I hadn’t? I asked myself, if I was given the option to improve my love life by heeding warning texts from my future self, would I opt to receive these nuggets of foresight? After much debate, I’d like to think the answer would have to be no. I would rather not know and experience the full on cringe. And that includes incidents high on the cringe richter scale, such as the love letter I sent to my teacher, and being rejected by my piano teacher, and still having to take lessons. Looking back, there isn’t a single dating mistake I can recount that hasn’t in the long run improved my judgement when it comes to future relationships.

Theresa’s experience happened in college.  Since then, she met and married a wonderful man, who wasn’t the alpha, hunter type she used to go for, but the open, sensitive type who made a great husband, and fantastic Dad to their two year old daughter. I wonder if close encounters with the wrong kind is necessary to re-jigging our tastes in men, and preparing us to embrace the kind of men that actually deserve a place in our future.

Note: This is a guest post by WeLoveDates

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just about looks.

What you’re NOT wearing. 

What women wear can tell a guy a lot about them, but what they aren’t wearing says even more.  When you walk into a room, what you don’t have on is just as important as what you do. Of course, it’s all assumptions, but that’s what first impressions are all about.  A guy will do a quick scan when he see’s a woman he finds attractive, making sure you aren’t wearing the obvious things like a wedding ring, but that’s not all that he will base his initial judgments on. He might notice that you aren’t wearing any makeup, and he’ll assume that you are laid back and low maintenance, perfectly comfortable in your own skin…even though the  truth is that you just rolled out of bed to grab a coffee and you never like leaving the house without a full face on.  Or maybe he notices that you are overdressed, wearing heels in a sea of flip-flops, and wrongly assumes that you must be super high maintenance…when in actuality, you have dinner plans later that caused you to dress up a bit more than usual.

How you treat the people around you.

Women always talk about how one of the biggest red flags when dating is if a guy is rude to a server, bartender or valet.  But the same goes for women, except it doesn’t just apply to those in the service industry. Men are looking to see how you treat the people you’re with, and the people you’re not with.  Women have a bad reputation of being a bit catty, especially when there are other attractive women in their midst.  Do you roll your eyes at someone’s outfit, or appear standoffish in situations when you’re a bit uncomfortable?  Above all, men are attracted to women who won’t be full of drama, so if a guy notices that you’re easy to get along with and not easily threatened, he’ll assume that you’re easy-going and therefore be more likely to approach you.

Your energy and confidence.

You know how some women breeze into a room and it’s actually more like a tornado-they have so.much.energy!  Maybe they talk a mile a minute, and seem like they take over the place with their intense personalities.  Or how other women fly under the radar, not desperate to be the center of attention-quite the opposite actually.  They are subtle and demand attention in their own way.  One personality type isn’t better than the other.  What’s crucial is that the way you act in public is a correct reflection of what kind of person you are, and no matter what you do you with the utmost confidence.  Trying to be someone you’re not might work initially, but if you’re hoping to meet someone for the long-term, he’ll eventually get to see your true colors.  If you’re hyper, rock it.  If you’re shy and reserved, own it.  Do you-nobody does it better.

 WeLoveDates is a worldwide online dating site. Join for free using code WLD GUEST and check out their free guide to online dating eBook. For more dating advice and tips, visit their popular WeLoveDates blog.

Having had a string of dates that involved each man attempting to launch their way into her pants before she could say, “Yes, I would like to look at the dessert menu”, Tori was fed up of searching for a relationship match, only to find herself at the end of each date batting off a very persistent offer of coming up for coffee. Either these men were seriously addicted to caffeine, or their prime goal for the evening was to score a roll in the hay. As much as she’d like to believe the former, she was realistic enough to know the answer was invariably the latter. “Where the hell is chivalry?” She would lament to us. “Have any of these men even heard of Jane Austen?” It took one more walk home that included an overly enthusiastic offer of coffee for Tori to declare “I am now a nun (minus the habit, praying, or having any kind of religious belief).”

Two weeks after her half-hearted declaration of celibacy, she met Shane. Shane had the answer to her (if she’d been praying) prayers. Chivalrous, reserved and sporting the manners of a Victorian butler, at the end of their first date, instead of the usual offer of coffee, Shane asked her to text him to let her know she got home OK. Tori was enamoured. Who is this incarnation of Mr Darcy? By the third date, Shane hadn’t even asked for a kiss. He was kind, courteous and considerate. This one had staying power.

A few weeks later, we caught up with Tori over drinks, and she declared that their 10th date had gone by and though they had now kissed, Shane still hadn’t invited her back to his place. Her enthusiasm was wearing noticeably thin. “I think we’ve missed the window. Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive enough to sleep with! Do you think he just sees me as a friend?” Reaching the stage where she was now actually entertaining the thought of inviting him in for coffee herself, Tori realised that she didn’t want to have to seduce him. She wanted the man to take the lead.

Is there a balance to be struck between sleazy and chivalrous? Are we simply asking for the best of both worlds? Or is it as my grandmother once declared: “It’s for men to try, women to deny”?

Mel was dating a magician … of sorts. Every now and then her boyfriend Greg would vanish into thin air. Unreachable by phone, email or via door bell, Greg would literally disappear. As much as three weeks would go by before Greg would ‘ta da’ back into existence, and like all good magicians, he would never reveal his tricks, and offer very little explanation. Having investigated ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’, Mel figured he was just disappearing to his cave, as all men do from time to time. It just happened to be a very big cave, very far away, and with very little phone signal. Like all magic tricks, repeated a few too many times, they become tedious. Tired of having her self esteem chipped away by his Houdini routine, Mel decided this time she would be the one to disappear, and the ticket to her cave was one way.

Greg’s tricks had left a dent in her trust, and fearful of the prospect of meeting another vanishing act, she took some time to wonder whether there were any signals from the outset to suggest he might be this kind of guy, signals to look out for in future dates. She didn’t think so. Greg jumped into their relationship with both feet, professing his investment from very early on. She had very little reason to doubt that this wasn’t love at first sight. According to Marni Battista and Christian Anderson, perhaps this was exactly the problem:

Mel eventually realised that having constructed a mountain of expectation from the outset, Greg had put himself under a ridiculous amount of pressure, under which he was apt to bolt. He was also more invested in fantasy than reality, and in short, a poor candidate for a relationship. If she had seen through the hazy smoke of fresh infatuation, there had been signs all along.

A generation bred on romcoms, where handsome protagonists waltz into our lives and sweep us off our feet, are we subject to buying into these fantasies too? An interested party professing love at first sight can be intoxicating, mesmerising and make floating off the grounds of Planet Reality near impossible to resist. But is insisting on slowing the pace, keeping perspective in the picture, and our objective wits about us the only means by which we can spot a magician before he saws our self esteem in half?

I attended a pamper party recently, and as we all lay sprawled on sofas, faces caked in mud masks, a woman called Sophie relayed how she had gone on a date with Peter, a guy she met online.  At the start of the conversation, she stated how she hadn’t been interested in him.  I expected the discussion to end there, but no.  She then went on to relay how post the date Peter had text her to say, “I really enjoyed meeting you, but unfortunately I don’t think we’re suitable for a relationship”.  This attracted responses ranging from “How arrogant” to “How honest”, but the most surprising reaction came from Sophie herself.  She asked whether she should call him to try and talk it out, or text a cheeky, game changing response, or more cringingly, request they give it another chance. The conversation started when I arrived and a facial, pedicure, manicure, eyebrow dyeing, highlight applying, haircut and blowdry later, Sophie was still talking about Peter.  Hang on.  Let’s rewind.  Didn’t this discussion start with the words “I wasn’t really interested in him.  He smelt like old fruit, looked like Dr Spock and spent too long talking about the Paeleolithic era?” If this was the case, why was she getting so hung up about Peter’s text? Had his rejection inspired a dormant interest in her?

This led me to wonder how resigned we are to hanker after what we can’t have.  Does the allure of the forbidden fruit cloud our judgement and inspire attraction where there would ordinarily be none? Moreover, is this attraction, or are we mistaking The Ouch Factor for love?

Psychotherapist and writer for Psychology Today Ken Page, writes about attractions of inspiration versus attractions of deprivation.

“Attractions of deprivation draw us in like an undertow and almost always get us hurt.  We keep feeling like we have to win our partner’s love, approval or care.”

He goes on to state that the key to avoiding these ego dementors is all in learning to distinguish between the attractions that make you feel inspired, accepted and that give you an all round ‘Yay, I rock!” feeling, versus the ones that make us feel like we have to launch an all out operation to validate ourselves through someone else’s green light in a bid to prove to ourselves we are in fact worth more than the dirt under their shoe.

Sounds simple enough, but when you’re peeling a messy concoction of mud mask and tears off a woman’s face, is it a tad easier said than done?

Being set up on a blind date is, let’s face it, a potential minefield.  Not only does it present challenges between the two parties on the date, but it can also be very telling about the perception your friends have of you and the type of person you should go out with.

This blind date was no different; in fact it left Shane quite perplexed as to his friend Mike’s intentions in arranging this setup.

When Sarah arrived at the restaurant, she was wearing a tight, red miniskirt that barely covered her underwear and a top that left little to the imagination. A tad too provocative for Shane’s tastes, but he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt since Mike had bothered to set them up.

“So, what can I get you to drink?” He asked at the table as the waiter began to approach. “A glass of wine?”

“A double shot of Jameson,” she dismissively said to the waiter. “I need to relax after work,” she said to Shane with a flirtatious wink as she not-so-subtly eyeballed him up and down. He was trying to be polite and not stare too much at, well, you know.

When their drinks arrived, she threw back the double shot with a speed that, as he later learned, she had learned at numerous sorority parties in college. As Shane was reviewing the menu before deciding to order the chicken, Sarah said to the waiter, “Bring me another in ten minutes.”

She was throwing drinks back like the lady in this blind date from hell:

Shane could sense where this was going!  He did a quick mental check of the amount of money in his wallet – did he need to stop at an ATM?

“So, you’re 28, right?” Shane asked while their food was cooking. “Do you plan to stay and raise a family here in New York City soon?” It was a deliberately posed marriage-oriented question.  Mike knew of Shane’s goals to find a long term partner and that he pictures each date from the beginning as a potential wife and mother.  Mike must have seen something in Sarah as wife potential for Shane to have set them up.

“I don’t know,” she said with a laugh as she gulped her second double of Jameson. “I just want to have fun right now. You’re only 30 – why do you care about anything like that?” Shane gulped. This was clearly not going to work out – what had Mike been thinking?  But he couldn’t end the date there.  He would have to see it through at least until the end of the main course.

After their meals were delivered to the table, Shane concentrated on finishing his chicken.  Meanwhile, under the table, he felt her foot rubbing against his leg. Shocked, he jumped, hit the table, and knocked his glass of Riesling over. She laughed – but when he withdrew his leg, she gave a flirty pout.

He thought she had gotten the picture.  But then, as they almost finished our meals, she “popped the question”: “Do you want to have sex after dinner?” Whoa.

After stopping himself from spitting out the wine he had been drinking, he gave it fleeting consideration.  Yes, he’s a guy, and he has the same desires as any guy.  But he knew that it was not what he would (or should) do and that he was looking for the type of girl who would not have sex on the first date.

So, when they were finished, he paid the bill and walked her to a taxi. He never called her.

A few days later, Shane met Mike and a few friends for a beer after work. “WHY would you set me up with a girl like that?” he asked Mike. Mike and the others – who had been seemingly in on some type of joke – broke out in laughter.

“Dude,” Mike replied, “You haven’t gotten laid in so long. I showed your picture to my easy coworker, and she thought you were hot! I just wanted to help!”

I think we’ve all been there.  We’ve spotted that guy across the room that has the kind of presence that few men have.  He’s magnetic.  And charming.  Or at least it seems so – because the women seem to swarm around him like moths to a flame.    These women use all the tricks up their sleeves to get his attention – they are provocative and flirty.  And at some point, this guy will probably walk out with one of these girls on his arm.

“What was it about this girl that he chose her?”, we ask ourselves.  But are we asking ourselves the right question?  Perhaps we should be asking whether an encounter like this between these two people actually has any hope of going anywhere long term.  This girl captured his attention, but for how long?

According to Rori Raye, relationship expert, in a recent video stream, women are going about trying to snag a guy in all the wrong ways, and the women that use their sexuality and let things get physical too soon are setting themselves up for failure.  That is not the way to create a lasting connection with a man.  So maybe that girl had a fun night with the charismatic guy, but it probably didn’t go anywhere.

So when did women start chasing men?  Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?  Has equality gone too far?  Something to think about.

That’s not the only thing we’re doing wrong, Rori tells us.  Engaging with guys on an intellectual or mental level ain’t going to cut it either. Men don’t fall in love with our brains.

So what is the key, then?  An emotional connection, apparently.  If I understood Rori correctly, she advises that we make ourselves more open, more vulnerable , and in turn, our prospective guy will return the favor.

To watch the full videostream from Rori Raye, see below.

Rori teaches specific things you can do to raise your self-esteem that will make you irresistible to a man. To learn more subscribe to her free relationship advice e-newsletter. You’ll learn a whole new way of relating to men that will make you feel better about yourself while you find the relationship of your dreams.