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Back in school, Ruth was the poster girl for a geek tragedy.  With a mouth full of metal, ultra thick glasses that gave her eyes large enough to intimidate an alien, and an acne problem severe enough to earn her the nickname ‘The Pizza’, she was no prom queen.  However, she was arguably the smartest, wittiest and wisest of us all, though unfortunately, contrary to stereotype, she wouldn’t do your homework.

Her first boyfriend was Darren – he was a computer whizz kid and visually, had the full works: a black round necked T-Shirt, gel spiked hair and was dressed for trick or treating all year round.  However, despite the visuals, their relationship was rock solid.  He treated her like a goddess, a goddess from Planet Goth, but a goddess nonetheless. While we were all busy aspiring to be the local jock’s flavour of the minute, Darren and Ruth were presenting us with something even more alien to our eyes than their appearances; a glimpse at a mature, respectful relationship.

Let’s fast forward to 10 years later.  I’m at a friend’s party. I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I whirl around to see an unrecognizable, beautiful face. It was Ruth!  The end of her dental sentencing had left her with a row of Hollywood teeth. Having discovered contact lenses, her two magnifying glasses on a frame had gone to prescription lens heaven. She peered at me with perfect, almond shaped, green eyes.  Her skin was clear, her formerly skinny frame had grown slender curves, and she was dressed in a 50s retro glamour summer dress.  A universal consensus would have approved the lady as undeniably hot.  After scooping my jaw off the floor and a couple of stiff drinks later, we started chatting boys.  Surprised that she was single, I prodded further.  She confessed that after high school, she and Darren had parted ways to go to college, and the boys she had attracted were few and far between, and she hadn’t been asked on a date for two years.

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ruth was still, as always, great company. It led me to ask myself whether women who are considered more physically attractive do in fact find themselves sporting a dating handicap.

Amber had always believed in the feminist cause – at school, while we politely froze to death in our knee length skirts, she campaigned for the right for girls to wear trousers, which for us, seemed pretty radical and in our eyes, akin to taking a match to her bra, or throwing herself under the King’s carriage suffragette style.  Equal rights, equal wages, equal everything was Amber’s mantra.  So, when she went on a date with Lewis she stumbled upon an issue that shook the foundations of her feminist ideals. At the end of the date, he asked her to pay half.   Sure, said her logical side.  This is the 21st Century.  We earn equal wages, vote, and live in a country where women play football and men wear eyeliner.  She was not a Victorian and she could show her ankles whenever she liked.  But the logical side of her brain was not where the attraction control room was situated, and Amber’s initial attraction for this handsome, charismatic guy had suddenly shut down.

Was Amber being hypocritical, transforming into a housewife of Orange County, or is she right to demand equal wages, yet be turned off when a guy expects us to pay our way? Let’s face it, what’s right and what we’re attracted to often have little in common.

I can relate to Amber’s predicament.  I once dated a guy called Samuel who was a lawyer, yet each time we went out on a date, he paid, but upon doing so, produced a 241 voucher.  One day, he’d left the vouchers at home, and because he didn’t have time to go back for the vouchers, he cancelled the date.  In return, I cancelled ever seeing him again.   Samuel’s obsession with vouchers, while showing a thrifty, economic streak, did not make me feel special or valuable enough to keep the show going.  Morally, I didn’t have a leg to stand on, because he didn’t owe me anything, but in attraction terms I was pretty much dead from the waist down after that, and no amount of feminist theorising would have revived what was left of my libido.

There is also a case to be made for the man actually preferring to pay, suggesting that both parties benefit from this arrangement.

Although first dates are the earliest days of a relationship, are we biologically more attracted to those who give the impression of being generous providers?  Is our body preparing for when a family may be on the cards? Or are we simply demanding to have our cake, eat it, and pay for it using someone else’s wallet?

My friend Caitlin shared with me her latest dating scenario the other day.  She was really very perplexed and without a clue as to what went wrong.  Here is what happened.

Caitlin went to a concert to see one of her favorite bands. While walking up the stairs to the balcony for a better view, she passed a really cute guy. She caught his eye, smiled, and continued on her way, feeling good because she sensed him watching her walk away.

Later that night, he found her and bought her a drink, and they started talking. She learned that his name is Jeremy, he’s a photographer, and he recently moved to her town – just a few blocks away from where she lives, in fact. Caitlin was digging his company, and when he asked for her number, she didn’t hesitate in give him her real number.

She heard from him later that night, saying how great it was to meet her. She loved that he wasn’t into playing the waiting game, and they started a back-and-forth SMS flirtation. Jeremy sent cute hellos to let her know he was thinking of her, and after a few days, they made plans to hang out in their neighborhood so she could show him around a bit. As they wandered, Jeremy wrapped his arm around Caitlin’s waist, pulled her close, and kissed her temple. She leaned in close, enjoying the connection between them. They walked for hours, had dinner and ice cream, and then Jeremy walked her home and kissed her goodnight. A perfect first date, in Caitlin’s mind.

The fun and flirtation continued after that, and Caitlin felt at ease. Jeremy contacted her daily and they hung out a few times a week; though things progressed slowly physically, she wasn’t worried. After a few weeks, he met her friends, who adored him. Caitlin met Jeremy’s best friend when he was in town for a weekend, and it was clear that Jeremy had told him all about Caitlin. Things seemed to be progressing nicely.

That is, until two months later. Caitlin and Jeremy finally spent the night together. After they had sex for the first time, he told her she was beautiful and wrapped his arms around her.

One thing was clear: Caitlin was really happy she chanced that smile at the concert!

But after that night, something was different. The charming, flirty messages stopped; they began to seem forced. Every time she asked to make plans, he turned her down. For the first time in their brief relationship, she felt needy. She wanted more from him. After a few drinks one night with her friends, she succumbed to the drunk text and finally asked him what’s up. “I’m exhausted”, he replied. “Life is just really busy right now.”

I suspect you can guess that after that, Caitlin stopped trying, and she didn’t hear from Jeremy again. She never understood what happened between them.

Surely, it wasn’t because she had slept with him too soon – she held off for 2 months!  Perhaps it wasn’t as good for him as it was for her? Or was it something she said or did?

Well, Mat Boggs has a really interesting perspective on this, which he calls the law of elasticity:

What do you think?  Is there some truth to this?  If Caitlin had just let Jeremy have his time away from her without pushing him, would he have come back to her on his own?

It’s not just houses.  Some relationships are haunted too; haunted by the ghost of a past relationship.   My sister Kate had such an experience. This is the story of her phantom menace.  Last year she fell hard for a stockbroker. Their first date was intense, and they talked about everything under the sun, including, and often to the exclusion of all else, Greta the Ex. Although Kate was rather smitten with James, she noticed by the end of their first date that she actually knew more about his ex, Greta, than she did about him. Swallowing her doubts, she took his frank personal disclosures as a good thing, believing that if he was comfortable enough to be discussing it, he must firmly be in the Land of Over It.  However, when she left the date with the realization that she knew enough about Greta to go on Mastermind, she felt uneasy and a tad jealous.

For another woman, this knowledge might have been enough to cause her to abandon ship, but Kate was more resilient. Perhaps he just needed time, and helping him heal his old wounds appealed to the nurturing Brownie Guide side of her.  After all, to have had such a great relationship with his ex, James clearly must be relationship material. But as Kate was soon to discover, putting all her eggs in the Potential Basket had its downsides.

Kate started feeling insecure whenever he mentioned Greta, and started resenting this ghost that was haunting what could have been an amazing relationship.  It was when Kate saw James turn white as a sheet and start shaking like a leaf when they bumped into Greta that things changed.  Greta was far from the goddess she had envisaged.  She actually looked rather ordinary, pleasant enough, but by no means heaven-sent.  Kate realised she was sick of competing with a figment of his imagination.  Her sense of pride tapped her on the shoulder, and said “Call it a day. I’m dying here!” This time she listened, and called it quits.

Was James the male equivalent of the girl in this video?

When Kate ended things, something strange happened.  Through mutual friends, she heard that the next woman he dated was soon complaining about being treated to an inordinate amount of information about his ex, information that was this time about Kate and how ‘incredible their relationship had been’. It soon became clear that Kate was now the ghost, and his new relationship was being haunted by her image. She had joined the ranks of the revered and romanticized characters situated in James’s mental paradise – Memory Lane.

It seemed that James only became interested with what he could no longer have.  He was far from relationship material.  Kate realised she didn’t need to feel threatened by Greta. She could have been any woman in his past. He was dwelling on his past to avoid living in the present.  This led me to beg the question, when it comes to exes, should we be more frightened of the ghosts, or the ghost hunters?