WotWentWrong

Women:  Have you ever had a male friend you knew would take things further with you if you let him?

Men:  Have you ever had a female friend you would jump given half the chance?

Well, it seems that if you answered “no” to the questions above, you are probably in the minority.  According to this video below (and also to Harry from When Harry met Sally), men and women can never truly be friends.

What I find really interesting about this video is that it seems that while women think friendships with men are possible, they are also secretly well aware that their male friend would pursue more than friendship with them if given the green light.  And the men, across the board, deny the possibility of this platonic friendship with their female counterparts, which suggests to me that these guys are playing the long game: biding their time until they make their move.

I think back to all of my friendships with guys.  I’ve always enjoyed having platonic friendships with guys because of their relative simplicity and ease.  Men are usually pretty direct; there isn’t a lot of subterfuge or hidden allegiances.  Or at least that’s what I thought.  But if I consider this new information that I’ve just learned, it’s not that there aren’t hidden motives; those motives are just different.  They’re of a sexual nature.

Did I really not realize that?  If I’m being totally honest, I probably did.  I just chose not to go there, because it was convenient for me to ignore it.  I liked having the companionship of a male.  The way I related to my guy friends vs my girl friends was really very different and I didn’t want to give up that kind of friendship.

If I look into my past, I don’t need to look too hard to find examples of cross gender friendships that I’ve had that have resulted in a “move” being made.  And after that move has been made and been unsuccessful, the friendship usually ends pretty quickly.  Other friendships I’ve had with men have dwindled down considerably after he’s found a girlfriend.  Hmmm.

And then I can’t help but look at the friendships I’ve had with men who are already in relationships.  Historically, I’ve always been quite happy to have these friendships because the likelihood of this “move” being made on me is far reduced (albeit not entirely improbable).  Of course, there exists another factor in the relationship – the suspicion of the wife/girlfriend, which isn’t entirely pleasant, despite my honorable intentions.  Harry seems to have an opinion on this too:

So where does that leave me?  As a single gal, I want to have the benefit of male company without   the associated sexual implications (unless I want them of course).  But it seems, according to the theories presented above via the wonders of YouTube, that this isn’t such an easy situation to create. What do you think?

I’m putting the challenge out to the blogosphere and wider community to give me your “shortest” date stories.  And before you start tapping away on your keyboard with stories of the 4 foot wonder that showed up one day, stop.  I’m not talking about your vertically challenged friends.  I’m talking about those dates that you didn’t deem worthy enough to last longer than an episode of Gossip Girl.  Was it 30 minutes; 20 minutes or even 5 minutes? 

They can be your stories or those of a friend’s, or even one of those urban legend dating stories.  Tell us how long they lasted; why; who ended it and how; was the ending truthful or was it an excuse?  I’ll start the ball rolling…

My friend, Leanne lived in New York.  As she was a recent transplant to the city and didn’t know many people, she signed up for online dating.  She’d been on the site for a while by now, but was becoming quite disillusioned with the quality of guys available therein.

She had heard and seen of this phenomenon in New York City called “multi-dating” where people would date multiple people at once (no not actually on the same date!).  These multi-daters would have multiple dating relationships going on in parallel, for any number of weeks, or even months.  In fact, on her first night in the city she went to a party where she met one guy who had two dates scheduled on the one night!  Apparently not such a rare occurrence in the city.  Eew.

Anyway, if this was the norm, and she was now a resident in the city, she was willing to give it a go.  When in Rome, and all.  And a lot of dating advice literature came out in support of this method – that way you aren’t putting all your eggs in one basket and pinning all your hopes on the one person (and other clichés like that).  There was one problem.  She couldn’t find enough guys she was interested in (and vice versa) at any one time to be in the multi-dating mode!  Quite a dilemma.

She thought that if she was going to try out this dating method, she would probably have to lower her standards a little, and maybe be a little more proactive.  OK.  So here’s what happened. She noticed that this kinda cute guy had looked at her profile, so she decided to get in contact.  For the purposes of anonymity we’ll call him kindacuteguyNYC.

So Leanne and kindacuteguyNYC had one or two message exchanges through the dating site.  So far so good. And then it came.  What came?  You ask.  Well, if you’re single in NYC and you meet a seemingly cute/normal/nice guy there’s always a little voice in the back of your head waiting for the other shoe to drop – “Why is he still single?”.  Sure, many people ask that.

In celebration of today – (come on, you know what today is, right?), we have launched a new feature on our website – the Forum!  Now you can share all your horrible and hilarious date stories or commiserate about the loss of that loved one, as a community.  And if you have a burning question about your dating life that you just can’t get an answer to, ask the WotWentWrong community!

How about starting off with sharing your best/worst/funniest/most humiliating valentine’s day story?  Go on, it’ll be cathartic…

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those of us that are unattached are faced with the dilemma of how to make the transition from February 13th to February 15th as quick and painless as possible.

It seems that everyone around us is coupled up and in a happy relationship.  For weeks in the lead up to Valentine’s day, we are bombarded with advertising for the “special” day from restaurants, florists, chocolatiers and various other vendors trying to cash in on the holiday.

And we start to reminisce about the last “attached” Valentine’s day we had, or perhaps reminisce isn’t the best word, if our feelings for that person aren’t the most positive!  Or perhaps we think of how we no longer need to feel disappointment with the lackluster gift our ex presented us with and how we needed to feign enthusiasm for it.  So maybe it’s not all bad, after all, being single on Valentine’s day.  In one sense, the pressure is off to find the perfect gift and have the perfectly romantic night.

In my experience, the single person on Valentine’s falls in to 4 different personalities:

1. The Embracer.
   This person will go to at least one, if not more Valentine’s day singles events in an effort to avoid being single on this day ever again.  Their level of desperation is probably heightened on this day and they will give their number to someone they might not normally be so interested in.
2. The Pretender.
   This person tells their friends they have a date with an amazing person, describing in detail their conjured date’s romantic devotion and the perfect date that they had. They may even go as far as delivering flowers to themselves at work from their phantom date!
3. The Collaborator.
   Believing there is strength in numbers and wanting to avoid the loneliness of the day this person will join with other friends of the same gender to see out the holiday and console each other as a team.  They may even partake in certain rituals to celebrate their singledom such as burning their ex’s photos.
4. The Avoider.
   This person denies the existence of the day entirely and treats it like any other day.  They’ll keep their existing sporting/gym/other commitments and act like they didn’t even realize  it was Valentine’s day.  And when asked what they are doing on Valentine’s day they’ll say “Oh, is it Valentine’s day?  I didn’t realize!”  We thinkest thou doth protest too much!

Which one do you fall into?

Still stuck for something to do on V-day?  if you have absolutely no other options, you can see what our friend Pete is up to!

The past couple of months, I have listened to the unsolicited laments and theories of countless male friends. Notwithstanding their diversity of backgrounds and personalities, they share a remarkable consensus of opinion shaped by parallel prior experiences. To summarize it simply, most women, for reasons unbeknownst to us, seem to respond favorably to guys who exhibit general indifference towards them. Now I know that sounds juvenile, but it’s difficult to deny that there must be truth in the common collective experience.

I recall that some time ago I read a post on the “Best of Craigslist” called ”What Happened to All the Nice Guys?”
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were seeing treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

Of course, it’s possible that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy