WotWentWrong

In creating WotWentWrong, I wanted to develop an informative and constructive, yet upbeat way to address a problem that affects people universally.  And in this blog, while I am addressing real-life situations that have caused some pain for the protagonists, I’ve tried to do it in a thoughtful yet entertaining way.   Having said that, I’m going to get a little serious now because I think that this situation calls for it.

As thankful and awestruck as I am that WotWentWrong is getting such extensive coverage and is a hot topic in the twitterverse, I must admit I am quite surprised about the backlash that it’s attracting.  My first response is that the voices of detractors are always the loudest.  The people that think it’s a worthwhile concept are likely to be a lot quieter than the haters.

But I can’t bury my head in the sand that way.  After all, I have just created a feedback-focused website, and to discard all this feedback in this way would probably be a little hypocritical.  So, I should consider the WotWentWrong tag line and take it to heart: “Find Out. Learn. Move On.”  Let’s break it down.

Find Out

I have now found out that this is not only a contentious issue that people love to debate, but it has touched a nerve in many people.  Some have suggested it’s a great way to destroy your self-esteem; others have said that in using WotWentWrong, you are defining yourself as a stalker or desperate.  There are those have said they would rather not know what went wrong.  OK, I hear you.

Learn

What can I learn from this experience?  I think I can learn that not everyone will understand where I’m coming from without a more detailed explanation of what I’m trying to achieve with this website.  I haven’t been so forthcoming with it, so it’s understandable.

So let me explain my thinking.

10 years ago there was no Facebook, no Twitter, people still used landlines and fax machines, and online dating was considered the exclusive domain of the desperate single.  Today, many of us consult Facebook and Twitter daily for our social interactions, everybody’s got a smartphone, and online dating has become the norm, with 1 in 5 couples in America meeting through online dating.  What do all of these have in common?  They have all caused major disruptions in one way or another.  Our lives are changed (for better or worse – according to your opinion) because of them.

So, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this.  Perhaps it’s a little audacious, even arrogant, but I really wanted to see if I could change the way people operate with regards to relationship breakups.  I imagined a world where women were no longer left wondering whether a guy was going to call her after the date or whether he had decided to fadeaway without giving her a “thanks but no thanks”.  It was a nice thought, but I realized it was probably not going to come to fruition.  So what was the next best thing?  Providing a way for her to get clarity on what went wrong so that she isn’t left wondering and taking those issues and insecurities into her next dating situation.

I imagined in this new, disrupted world, instead of analyzing these dates, picking over every little thing that she could have done wrong, she employs the much more efficient and (hopefully) accurate method of asking him what went wrong.  (Scandalous, I know.)  For the woman who would rather not know, that is her prerogative.  But for the person who is open to hearing constructive feedback with the idea it will help her for the next time – or if the relationship’s demise had nothing to do with her, but was due to another reason entirely – why shouldn’t she benefit from being relieved of endless doubt?  Kind of liberating, no? And in this new, disrupted world, people would change their perception of this request – from being stalkery to coming from a more evolved person, able to review their missteps and take action to improve for next time.  Remember, 10 years ago online dating wasn’t so socially acceptable, either.

Move on

I’m really hoping that after you have read this blog post, you’ll understand where I’m coming from and what I’m trying to achieve.  And if you still decide that WotWentWrong isn’t for you, that’s your choice.  It was never meant to be the solution for 100% of the population.  But if you do think the website has some merit, please comment on this post, tweet about it or send me feedback through the feedback tab on the homepage.  I’d like to know if you like the site and you would use it.  And what additional features you think would be useful.  Thanks!

Recently I was at a party and I bumped into an old friend of mine, Belinda, who I hadn’t seen in a while.  As I walked up to her, Belinda was in the midst of talking about something that perplexed her.  A few days back, Belinda had bumped into a guy that she had been on one date with 2 years ago.  Now, Belinda is currently happily engaged to a great guy, but her recent encounter with this guy, Luke, took her back to the bafflement she experienced 2 years ago.  So what caused this bafflement?

Well, it was a scenario that I am sure is experienced countless times over all over the world.  Belinda went on a first date with Luke.  They met for dinner.  They had some great conversation; they shared some stories and some laughter.  She thought the date was a success.  She expected to receive a follow-up call from him within the next week.  She waited, but that call never came.  She never heard from him again.  To this day, she still wonders what she did wrong.

Of course, this is the exact type of situation that WotWentWrong.com caters to.  But as it hadn’t launched quite yet, I sought to do the next best thing.  I spoke to Luke directly.  As it happens, Luke is also a friend of mine and was also at this party.  So I approached him and asked him why Belinda didn’t get a follow-up phone call from him.

Let me interrupt this story with a pertinent clip that I found.  I’m pretty sure this kind of thing didn’t happen on Belinda and Luke’s date, but it may have happened on someone else’s date!

OK, back to our original programming!  So what did Luke tell me about why he didn’t attempt to contact Belinda again?  Here’s what he said to me.

“About half way through the date, I decided that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with Belinda.  But I had at least another hour left of the date, so I decided to relax and enjoy the remainder of the evening.”

Hmm.  Interesting.  So from this I can surmise that Luke had determined half way through this date that he either lacked attraction or a connection to Belinda.  But as it’s not always acceptable to end a date at the very moment that you realize you don’t want further involvement with someone, Luke continued the evening and decided to make the most of the situation.

That’s fair enough.  I think Luke did the right thing.  You can’t always find a connection or attraction with everyone you go out with.  There will be people who will be more of a miss than a hit.  But the flip side of this is that it does tend to give a false impression that you are interested in the other party.  And Belinda thought Luke was interested.

What should Luke have done differently?

My friend, Ivy, is now in a a healthy, loving relationship with Justin.   But that wasn’t always the  case.  In fact, there was a time that their relationship was in a rather precarious position.  I’ve known Ivy for a while now and I can tell you that she is a perfectly sane, rational person that doesn’t get too swept away in her relationships; in fact, if anything she is quite cautious with her heart.

She has certain rules that she follows when in a new relationship.  A faithful disciple of Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker, Ivy will hold off on sex until she is sure of being in a monogamous relationship, for fear of the oxytocin effect.  She will never plan further ahead with a guy than the period of time that she has been seeing him.  And she would never introduce him to her parents until she was first introduced to his.  All quite cautious behaviour.

But one day, in a moment of overwhelming emotion, Ivy threw all caution out the door when she took this gamble on her relationship.  She called up her boyfriend, who was at work, sitting in an open-plan office and gushed her true feelings to him for the first time.  You guessed it, the three little words were now out there.  Actually, it was multiple sets of 3 little words as she explained her feelings to Justin in several different ways.  You can guess what happened next (or did not happen, for that matter).  Justin’s response might have happened in a similar way to Penny’s in this video here.

Of course, even if Justin was ready to reciprocate at this stage in their relationship, there was no way he would have done so in an open plan office!  So Ivy waited, and waited and waited a little more.  But after a number of weeks, she was wondering whether he would ever reciprocate her feelings.  She had placed herself and her relationship in jeopardy by admitting her feelings too soon.

Mimi Tanner, author of “Man Mistake Eraser” has a viewpoint on this:

“As we all know, saying “I love you” is a major milestone in any romantic relationship. To a woman, it is a time for rejoicing. However, if a man is not ready for this, all he will be feeling is pressure when he hears you say those words, EVEN IF HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.

“Unfortunately, even if he IS in that delicious “falling in love” process, your saying “I love you” first can be like a huge “wake up call” for him. It may cause him to suddenly realize that things are getting VERY serious.”

Interesting theory.  So according to Mimi, if my friend Ivy had held off and waited for Justin to admit his love, free of obligation, they would have bypassed this road-bump that they experienced.

It’s clear that the early stages of relationships are fraught with all sorts of obstacles and detours that can cause friction, and if not, can cause one or both parties to question the seriousness of the other party.  Sometimes, and in the case of my friend, Ivy, they were able to successfully navigate this obstacle and get back on track.  Other times, we might need to find out where we faltered and use wotwentwrong.com!